Stuck On Repeat

I swear to God that I just keep doing the same dumb shit over and over again.  Moved from a two bedroom shithole to a three bedroom shithole. I do nothing but fuck up. I am a constant never ending source of fuck ups.
And here I am again. Lying in bed again, alone, crying.
43. Unmarried. Thrice divorced. Living in a dump. Can’t even pay my bills for shit. Working 100 hours a payday.
Does it ever end????

Second Chances

So, what have I discovered about giving second chances? That's right, boys and girls. I end up getting slapped right in the face.  Why do I even keep bothering? I think that, at this point, I'm some type of masochist.  I must be because I keep doing the same thing over and over again.  Oh wait. Insane. I'm insane.  Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. I am really sick to death of getting the same results. So, guess who's going back into seclusion? Yep. Me.  Sometimes, I think that I am the most difficult person in the world to please.  Other times, I think that I am simple and only need the basics.  Unfortunately, I think that I am neither. I think that I have a strong moral and ethical sense of being and that contradicts about 99% of the world.  Add in the fact that I used to have a strong personality type (before life beat it out of me, right along with being caring and giving and sentimental), then you have a recipe for disaster.  A recipe for being alone the rest of what's left of my life. 
I hate feeling like I have to bow down or feel stupid or say I'm sorry for things that I have a right to feel.  It's ok for other people to feel those things or say those things or mean those things, but me? Nope.  I detest that I have let myself get to the point where I just let people crap on me while I just stand there and take it. 
My job. Geez.  I get crapped on constantly.  I get so sick of that feeling of ALWAYS being wrong.  I screwed myself over, though.  I'm stuck until they fire me.  It's fine. I feel like that's about to happen anyway.  It's only a matter of time before I roll in one day and they say, "We just don't feel like you're a fit anymore."  The battle cry of people who want to give you the ax but don't want to take responsibility for their own crappy messes.
And, to add insult to injury, I'm back on meds for stress and sleep.  I feel like a walking zombie with a screwed up stomach.  I wish that I had just stayed at East and never left there.  At least there, I was a peon. I went in, did my job and went home.  It was stressful.  It was unnerving.  But, it stayed at work.  And I had every other week off.
I am just broken.  I feel like nothing I say, nothing I do, nothing I think is good enough for anyone.  I don't know what purpose God has for me (other than being a mom to the 2 best kids in the entire world), but it would be nice to know what that purpose is because I have grown weary and I want to quit...

Compromise

So, I got accused of not being willing to communicate or compromise. The "thou shalt nots" is what my few moral beliefs were referred to, as being. Just wow.  Ok. So, if I won't sleep with you until marriage, but you want me to compromise, then you're a pig.  A PIG. That's fine. That means that you're not willing to compromise either. Maybe you should stop playing in your church band.  You're a hypocrite and a bigot.
Either way, I'm done with compromise.  Their version is me acquiescing.

The Rest is Silence

"When the music stops, the rest is silence..."

A long time ago, I wouldn't dream of stating how I felt because I was constantly ridiculed about my thoughts, my beliefs, my dreams, my ideas.  Now, I speak freely about those things, but I am still persecuted.

It is a man's world.  It is ok for them to belittle, undermine, and persecute you for speaking freely but it is not ok for you to call them on their bullshit.

That's fine.  Move along. I don't need that in my life. 

You wear your feelings on your sleeves.  I used to do the same, once upon a time.  Life beat me up hard enough for me to learn to hide those a little deeper inside of me.  

I just hate being made to feel like I'm a freak. 

I hate feeling like I am being talked down to or talked at, instead of talked with or to.  I detest always feeling like I'm the problem or I'm at fault.  Why isn't it equal?

People are so damned good at shirking responsibility like a snake shedding its skin. 

I just feel like the best course of action, for me, is to keep my mouth shut, my head down and try to finish out this life with as little attention drawn to me as possible. 

Lonely Ol' Christmas

I haven't had a SO at Christmas since 2009. My very last Christmas was with the third ex, in 08.  It really hasn't bothered me too much until just now.
Here I am, sitting on my butt, looking at the Christmas tree in my home...and realizing that I am utterly alone, where a partner is concerned.
How much loneliness and sadness and utter isolation can one person take? I guess I am testing those limits.  I can not begin to describe the feeling in my heart, the thoughts contained in my head. 
I get it. I'm fat. I'm old. I'm used up. I'm a Christian. I don't put out these days.
I get it. I really do. 
It's not a punishment, but a redirection of my path to God. 
But, it is SO lonely. 
I am not sure that my kids understand it.  Yes, I have my beautiful, wonderful angels that I love so very much.  They help me make it though. 
I am just tired of being without my partner. When does the loneliness end? At death? I would hope sooner but it seems that it is not destined to be that way for me.
And I can not even cry, at the moment. I am so cried out that I can't get tears to fall.
Why? Why can't someone just love me for me and be in line with God?
I just don't understand...

Beyond Hopeless

So, things are not working out to go back to East.  I am so aggravated. I feel so betrayed and hurt and disappointed.  I don't understand it. I feel that I am being sabotaged, from the inside.  If I EVER find out who it is, I am going to make sure that they get called out on their "Christian" attitude. 
I get so tired of struggling, working, and still failing. Always falling short, it makes me feel inadequate. I can't seem to break even, let alone get ahead. I wish that things weren't so tough, but at least I have my angels. They make it all worth it.
As far as dating, it's a total bust. I am very much done.  I can not accept people for who they are. I can not change who I am.  I am completely done.  Right now, I am not even sure if I want friends.  I am so sick of people, in general. 
I am just beyond repair...
I am just so full of despair...
I quit. The End.

Heartless...

Apparently,  I am heartless, after all. I have found that I just have zero emotions where everyone but those closest to me are concerned.
I don't want anyone but a few people near me. My kids, my parents, my sister, and my VERY few friends.
It's easier. It may be the cowards way but I don't care anymore.
I just have ZERO desire to connect with anyone else. Period
No. It's not a fad.  It's not a fleeting feeling. It's a fact. And it's here to stay.
Go away, humans. I despise you.